Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Day To Read The Paper

If you haven't read today's sports pages, and you are a Cubs fan, don't. Please don't. Every Cubs fan who reads the article will become violently ill in the next half hour.

It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the information penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy begins to experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable drooling. At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence. Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly.

On the day Jim Hendry presented Juan Pierre to the media, Jim had the gall to also announce that Korey Patterson will be offered arbitation next week. If that only induces your gag reflex, Hendry also announced that Korey will have a shot at right field for next year.

Patterson's potential, despite a .215 season and a demotion to Triple A, gives Hendry pause when considering a trade. A handful of teams, including Texas and Arizona, briefly showed interest in Patterson, but the Cubs would rather give him another chance than deal him for low-level prospects. As Exhibit A they can point to Derrek Lee, who hit .233 and .206 for Florida in 1998 and '99, when he was about Patterson's age, before blossoming in his late 20s.

A shrink calls this rationalization. Sports fans have seen this before when, 10 years ago in an interview, Mike McCaskey suggested that there was an equivalence between Brett Favre and Rick Mirer because the Bears had given up a first round pick for Mirer just as the Pack had done for Farve.

It is highly unlikely this is just posturing for a trade. Historically, the Cubs have told the press of their intentions, either through blind quotes or interviews such as this.

Be clear. One of the reasons Hendry has to consider Patterson for right is because the best options are either gone (Giles, Bradley), unavailable (Floyd), or to expensive for the Cubs (Abreu) with the limited number of high ceiling prospects in the farm system.

If Korey Patterson starts for the Cubs on Opening Day at any position other than grounds crew, it would only be due to Jim Hendry's compounded negligence. And it would be an insult to any fan who pays money for a ticket.

Oh, but that's not all. The article also has this gem:

While the Cubs are concentrating on finding a right fielder, questions remain on whether Matt Murton is ready to handle left field full time. Murton hit an impressive .321 in 140 at-bats after being called up in July with only 78 games of experience at Double A. But Baker played him primarily against left-handers in the early going, and his average slipped after being given the job in September. He wound up hitting .261 against right-handers.

They're backtracking on Murton and pushing Korey. So, if they are posturing on Korey, why wouldn't they posture on Murton? He has a ton of trade value right now.

The answer is, of course, they aren't posturing. They are preparing Cubs fans for the inevitable. If they tell us now that it's Korey in right and Murton on the bench, they think we'll be less pissed in April. And, given historical ticket sales, they would be right.

Today was going to be a good day, then I read all this. I haven't felt this bad since I saw that Ronald Reagan film at the Anita Bryant concert.