Scenes From A Hotel Bar

Overheard in Dallas last night:
Larry Beinfest: Hey, Jim! How are you! Looks like you are walking kind of funny?
Jim Hendry: I'm okay, Lar. I'm just getting over some lower back pain that Furcal gave me.
LB: Yeah, I heard about that. So, what's on the agenda today? I'm guessing you want Dontrelle back.
JH: Actually, I was hoping that the goodwill I’ve built with you over the years, Dontrelle included, might give me an edge in talking to you about Juan Pierre.
LB: Sure. What are you thinking?
JH: Well, we have this kid Sergio Mitre who's been very desirable the last few years...
LB: Easy there, Jim. That Mitre "kid" has been up and down on your team more than Anna Benson has on the Mets' bullpen. I'm going to need something more.
JH: What about Bobby Brownlie?
LB: I'm going to need something with an elbow not made out of spare parts.
JH: Oh, come on Larry. You need to dump Pierre. While he's a very good player, your team isn't going anywhere this year. Pierre's going to get north of $5 million in arbitration and he's going to be a free agent after this year. You don't want him anymore. You NEED to move this guy. You're in over a barrel.
LB: Me?!?!? Let's turn this around. Since you came on in mid-2002, you’ve replaced 21 men on your 25 man roster. The only position player left from then is Corey, I mean, Korey Patterson. Kerry Wood is a bullpen guy at best and an insurance claim at worst. Mark Prior can't get out of the first inning with a pitch count under 40. Your best player is a guy I gave you. And your other cornerstone, that Ramirez guy, has hamstrings even Oscar Meyer couldn't make sauages out of. Beyond that, your manager is blaming you for bringing him players who don't know how to play and is already making noises about not playing those Murton and Cedeno kids. Your boss may or may not give YOU a contract extension. AND... The company that owns you may sell you to shore up their balance sheet. Let's not even mention what happened last October at 35th and Shields. I need to move Pierre? You need to make a deal for a good player. Fast.
JH (cringing): What were you thinking?
LB: Well! (rubs hands in anticipation) I was thinking Felix Pie, Carlos Zambrano and Ricky Nolasco.
JH: WHAT?!?!? I just got finished telling the Phillies that they couldn't have Pie and Rich Hill for Bobby Abreu. I'm not giving Pie, much less Zambrano, to you for Pierre.
LB: Ok. Well, I'm stockpiling young pitchers. We plan on winning another title in three or four years. We could have more titles in 15 years than you have in 110! Back to young pitchers. You don't use them anyway, so give them to me. How about Nolasco, that horse kid, Pinto is it? And throw in that guy you mentioned who sleeps with Lindsay Lohan. That's always a plus near South Beach.
JH: BOTH of them? They were GREAT at West Tenn last year. 24 wins, 6 losses and sub-3 ERAs. I can't give you BOTH for a guy who may be a one-year rental!
LB: One sec, Jim. (Waives to two guys in the lounge) Hey Omar, hey Brian. How's things in the Big Apple? You want to talk rosters? Cool. Gimme a minute I'm just finishing up here. Sorry, Jimbo. What was that?
JH (sadly): OK. Pinto, Nolasco, and Mitre.
LB: Outstanding! Sorry to run, but I've got to go talk to these guys. I've got to get Cashman off his Pierre kick and warm him back on Cabrerra. You got these drinks?
JH: I guess... I'm not sure I can reach my wallet. My lower back is hurting again.