Convetional Details

If you read the Tribune today, you may have noticed an advertisement for next weekend's Cubs Convention. It listed the titles of the activities scheduled. Ivy Chat is pleased to provide exclusive details as to the actual subject matter of the events.

All set against another gratuitous picture of Denise Richards.
Friday, January 13:
5:00-5:30 pm: Opening Ceremonies (Rehersal for 2016 Summer Olympics)
6:00-6:45 pm: Autograph Hunt Game (First one with Sharon Panazzo wins)
7:00-9:00 pm: SportsCentral Live (Win a prize if you can get Jim Memelo to curse on the air)
7:00-8:30 pm: Cubs Bingo (Winner of "Cover-All" game gets 10 minutes to explain to Dusty Baker that Neifi Perez stinks)

Saturday, January 14:
9:00-10:00 am: Meet Cubs Baseball Management (Your last chance to say "Good Bye" before the purge)
9:00-10:00 am: What's Up Doc? (Learn the pitching staff's 2006 "Tommy John Disease" surgical schedule)
9:30-10:30 am: Cubs Jeopardy! (Not a game. An analysis of the position Andy MacPhail's job will be in should the team finish under .500)
10:00-11:00 am: The Kids Interactive Room Challenge (Matt Murton breaks down the swing of John Mabry)
10:30-11:30 am: Not For Women Only (Picking up singles at Wrigley)
10:30-11:30 am: Celebrating 20 Years of Vine Line
11:30 am-12:30 pm: The Skipper and His Crew (See Dusty Baker call Larry Rothschild "Perfessor")
11:30 am-12:30 pm: Hitting Clinic (Hosted by Carlos Zambrano)
12:00-1:00 pm: "27 Outs" (An in-depth review of Corey Patterson's first 30 at bats of 2005)
12:30-1:30 pm: World Baseball Classic (Sponsored by the Cuban Sugar Growers Association)
1:00-2:00 pm: Covering the Ivy (Cubs' Operations VP Mark McGuire's backup plan had the green screens obscuring the rooftop views failed)
1:30-2:30 pm: Voices of the Cubs (Harry Caray gives a clinic from beyond the grave on how to announce without sucking up to the Tribune Corporation)
2:30-3:30 pm: A Collection of All-Stars (Special appearance by the New York Yankees)
3:00-4:00 pm: Wheelchair Cubs (A remembrance of the 1945 Cubs)
3:00-4:00 pm: For Kids Only Press Conference (Darren Baker answers questions about his T-Ball team)
3:00-4:00 pm: WGN-TV (Guests include Holly Marie Combs, Kristin Kreuk and three "Beauties" -- Geeks already in attendance)
4:00-5:00 pm: How do you Spell Relief? (T-O-M-K-E-L-L-Y)
4:30-5:30 pm: Pitching Clinic (Special appearance by the Chicago White Sox)
8:00-midnight: Rock & Roll Revue ($5 beers and well drinks to make you forget how much you paid to revere a fourth place team)

Sunday, January 15
9:00-10:00 am: Meet Cubs Business Management (No questions about finances, ticket prices, Premium Tickets, MLB.com IPOs, please)
9:30-10:30 am: The Kids Interactive Room Challenge (Kids steal home as Michael Barrett lobs balls into a simulated outfield)
10:30-11:30 am: Down on the Farm (Learn where Cubs prospects have been disappearing the last 12 years)